maybe.

I guess my word for the week is curious.

Just when I think I know something, then that something gets called into question. I have some hippy friends who only say "maybe" when they are invited somewhere, because they have decided to follow their hearts and not go somewhere if it feels like something else is where their hearts are at, at that moment. Plus my buddhist friend in Nashville's parting blessing was "follow your stomach!" which he went on to explain thusly: "well, we often encourage eachother to follow our hearts, but I think alot of buddhists realize the place in the body that really knows whether something is good for us, is our stomach. We get nervous stomach ache's when something is amiss. We get beautiful happy butterflies when something is the way it is most whole or healed." And somehow, even though those two feelings sometimes have similar repercussions (loss of appetite, like my brother had for nearly a year when he first fell in love with Ashley), we humans (I would say, when we are bothering to listen) can distinguish between them. And follw our stomachs. There isn't anything in particular that comes to mind when I say "maybe" and "curious" this week (though finances, employment, relationships, and volunteer are all question marks today); but I feel mostly peaceful, and that is something that is new since I began meditating. And growing. And I am so grateful.

My friend Amy wrote in her blog recently that sometimes life is like a cookie with only one chocolate chip, and sometimes it is like a cookie with way too many chips. I think right now I actually hope for life to be as simplified as possible, and perhaps that is why so many things are question marks right now. I am tempted to say, "wouldn't it be simpler if I could find an ideal job that pays exactly what I need (enough to also pay off my student loans and car loan); than to have more question marks than I know how to deal with?" but that last part of that phrase catches me. For when I know how to deal with something, somehow my life becomes immediately less simple. I don't know how to explain that phenomenon. Perhaps it is tied in a little bit with depression (though I honestly don't think much depression is visiting me this season... I smile at all the things, instead of feeling like they are drowning me, though I still have no idea where to begin to do, or let go). Maybe it doesn't really matter.

Maybe what really matters is even more simple than the unknown. Maybe it is love. And, as a friend said yesterday on the phone: "Maybe it is always about love, and maybe love is its own definition. Maybe we weaken it by quantifying it or limiting it to "friendship love" or "romantic love" or such-like." (side note, I take a little editorial freedom when quoting people because I don't remember word for word. But I do say exactly what I think the persons I am quoting meant.)

I am sure a beautiful ending to these ponderings will come to me. When it does, I will write. (yet another paraphrased quote, this time without quotation marks. That is how Hafiz ends one of his poems in "The Gift." and I love it). When it does, I will write. Curious. Maybe. Okay bye.

lullaby

I am held.

The season is turning
to tears.

and I am held.

The mirror turned
yesterday, and shattered
me.

But I am held.

Well, I really meant to write at least once a week when I started this, but how bout I give that a shot now? I'm gonna just write a real quick synopsis of what's gone on in my life this year. Hopefully I can get back and give a few more details, especially about the ten day silent retreat... in later blogs. For now.

FORTY DAYS OF LISTENING
end of April to June 1: I broke up with Aaron, asking for forty days with which to process things before we spent time together again. Then I went immediately on a ten day silent retreat called Vipassana. I encountered more healing during that time than any of my other experiences,even if they were all rolled into one. The forty days continued to be a time of healing and quiet for me. I spent some days in the great sequoia country with Deborah (Bennett) Lyons and her dear husband. And spent some days with my brother and his (now fiancee) girlfriend Ashley Maydwell. And our family on Dad's side. I worked in the garden for my friend John in Berkeley. I stayed with a darling older couple (in their eighties) in Berkeley. Discovered that he scrounges for their delicious food at the amazingly clean dumpsters of the compassionate grocers near their house. Stayed with Naomi in her artist commune. Went with her to my friend Hannah's concert in Noe Valley and met her harmonica player Jason. And discovered my favorite sushi restaurant of all time around the corner from the concert. Spent a night at Westminster Woods and got to share about my ten day silent retreat with my friend Sheila who works there. And spent some time in a bus, which ended up being my home for the rest of the summer.

THE MAGIC BUS
I had run into one of my favorite families from Santa Rosa Music Together at a concert at the place that Aaron and I first met eachother (Ace in the Hole Cider Pub). They were intrigued by my forty days of listening story and offered for me to stay in their bus. I tried it for a night and couldn't bear to leave. And they were so gracious. And delightful. What a wonderful, wonderful, gift. I ended up commuting to the Presidio to work for another amazing family, caring for their three children (ages 5,3, and 10 months). This was another wonderful gift. I loved our time together. They are a Waldorf family and they also try to stick with the Nourishing Traditions cookbook/food philosophy and we ate so healthy together. And it was good. And I learned alot from them, and they learned alot from me. I miss the Blumenthal Priel family. I miss Tim and Analyce and Seth (the magic bus family). The day after that job ended, I ended up being able to care for Lily, a little girl I had nannied for last year. We went to the park and played music together for a little over a week. And I got to see my dear friend Nadia whose daughter is close in age to Lily and with whom I was able to have a play-date. Yay!

ON THE ROAD
The night my job ended, my friend Jillian took the train from Yosemite to Oakland, and I had a going away party with Erice, John (via phone), Austin, Luke, Phil, and Jenny. I couldn't have asked for a better sending off. Jillian was a young woman I had met on the Vipassana retreat, and Austin was the one who introduced me to Vipassana. So by the end of the night, Phil and Jenny were asking us all questions about our experiences during the ten days of silence. And seriously, I couldn't ask for a better sending off. It was so wonderful to be able to communicate that experience with people who love me were genuinely interested in getting to know me better and genuinely interested in getting to know the people I love. But what makes me emotional is their genuine interest in experiencing that kind of healing, the kind Jillian and Austin and I experienced at the Vipassana retreat, for themselves. Oh wonderful.

Jillian and I spent the entire next day packing and ridding me of things I thought I'd already rid myself of. We were finally able to leave Santa Rosa and the magic bus by rush hour=) Good thing no one was really headed to Calistoga. We took the most beautiful route to Eugene Oregon and arrived safely at 3.oo the next morning. Took a four hour nap after spending a few minutes with Dave Elliott. Then we had a few minutes with Janet and Gary and then we drove towards Portland and promptly blew up a tire. I had had a premonition or whatever you want to call it about my tires (perhaps based on the click click click I must have been hearing, since there was a huge wood screw in the tire that blew?)... but forgotten to check them when we left Eugene.

TIRE AND FILTERS

A huge motorcycle man who is apparently in the Navy and says "Maam, that's just what we DO" when I said thanks for helping us... made the change of tires purty dang fast. Then we went to the TDIclub.com get together in Portland and my friend Justin (oldpoopie) taught me how to change all of my filters, which were all quite ready to be changed. And I got some extry ones from my friend Aaron (bleachedborah). I love everything I've ever experienced through tdiclub.com.

JILLIAN

Oh my goodness, we had such good talks on that part of the road. The part where we were both in the car, I mean. The part I got to share with Jillian. She is pregnant with twins and so full of love and life and trepidation and truth. I learn so much from her and am grateful for our time together.

HOMETOWN TIME

Then we spent the weekend with my grandma and the rest of my family in Spokane and Colfax Washington. My favorite four moments were 1: swimming in the evening after grandma had gone to bed, and my parents sat out on the side of the pool and we talked and talked. I love my mom and dad... 2: having time with Grandma the next morning and getting some wonderful amazing open and honest love and advice from her... and 3: spending the day with the whole local family at my sister's lovely house with her dear dear husband and my favorite person in the whole world: my nephew Wyatt... and 4: having my Binker (Jenell) all to myself the next day almost all day. Then Jason (Hannah's harmonica player, who I forgot to mention had started calling me sometime in June) flew to Spokane to drive with me to Nashville. On the way I had a very much too short visit to my hometown of Bonners Ferry Idaho where I got to hike with my preschool friend Josh Sherven and my favorite hot air balloon person of all time, Kevin Herschman. And we got to spend the night and have a fish fry with Ray and Carolyn Chaffee who are basically my godparents. Or God-parents. To be loved unconditionally by anyone is a gift. To be loved unconditionally by two people who have watched me grow up my whole life, is joy indescribable.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FRIEND

We spent the night in Sheridan, Wyoming with Nicole (one of my best friends from Evergreen elementary school and junior-high home-school, who twice lived less than a mile from my house in Moyie Springs) in Sheridan Wyoming and I got to put a Pirates of the Caribbean puzzle together with their darling daughter. And meet their other adorable children, the youngest of whom is a little tiny baby I thought Nicole said was named Grogan but his name is Brogan. It's Brogan, alright? Which is forty seven times more adorable than Grogan.

TORRINGTON, WYOMING

Then we went to Jason's favorite little tiny town (which is totally changed for the walmart worst) and his favorite little tiny family hotel (Which is shut down due to the three huge chain motels that came in since he was there five years ago) of Torrington, Wyoming. Then we wandered around by buggy a little and landed ourselves in Broadwater, Nebraska. Here we met a woman named Deborah who said her husband "is real old, but I married him" and also said some other weird things. She seemed purty dang guilty about a bunch of stuff. Maybe she is a gold-digger, though I doubt her old man husband has much money. But they were both very sweet, despite her weird guilt thing. And we played music for them on their front porch and Deborah cried. Then we drove on until I got worried about my car, prolly cause I was paranoid ever since the tire blew, that something is wrong. And we spent the night at some random road-side hotel. Which was nice and safe. And had breakfast included. And my car drove fine from then on.

NASHVILLE MY LOVE

We arrived in Nashville the next day, pretty much drove sixteen hours straight. Then we both crashed at his house until the later afternoon the next day. He plays for a couple different bands in town, and had double booked himself that night, so we went to Angel Snow's show (which he played, and which was fabulous, I love her so much as a musician and now as a good friend) and then the Bittersweets (Hannah's band, which he obviously also plays in and played for that night; and whose music is tied with Angel and Julie's and Gwyn's for my favorite music of all). And since we arrived in Nashville, Jason has been out of town most every day, touring with three or four different bands. I have gotten to know his and Hannah's friends, and spent some time with Hannah too. And a bit of time with Jason in between gigs. He's let me stay at his apartment while he's away, and I've been cooking alot and hanging out with some of my favorite people I've ever met.

CARRIE MANORE, MY BROTHER BEN, AND THE MAYDWELLS

I also went to Waco Texas with my friend Carrie from Whitworth. We spent a night with our previous roommate Mollie, who was Carrie's best friend when they were growing up in St. Ignatius Montana. And I went from there by myself to spend a long weekend with Ben and his fiancee where they now live in Houston. And I fell in love with Ashley's family. And I am so glad my brother is there.

MY BABYSITTER

Then I went to Mobile Alabama and spent a night with my first babysitter Cori (Nicole's oldest sister--there are nine kids in their family) and got to meet her four kids, who I also fell in love with. I played them some songs on my ukulele, one of which I wrote and has a line about their uncle Levi in it "Then we'd knock on the door and pretend to ignore him and Levi Lawrence throwing dirt clods at us".

SABELLA, THE 83 YEAR OLD GERMAN MIDWIFE

Then I went to Longbeach, Mississippi to hang out with her friend Sabella who is eighty-three and still practicing midwifery. She's from Germany and had strawberry Quark in her fridge, which was fantastic. And she has a swimming pool in her backyard which we swam in for an hour in the rain. And had wonderful conversation. She swears by water. Says ever since she started drinking a gallon of good clean room-temperature water a day (with a pinch of this amazing salt, I'll have to call her up and ask her what salt she uses) her health has been fantastic. And she can read without her reading glasses again. I have to say, she's the most fit eighty-three year old I've ever met, no... actually she's prolly more fit than anyone I've met over 70, and arguably in better condition than most people I know of any age, including my pretty healthy (but not as well hydrated) self.

WENDY AND MICHAEL HERSCHMAN

Then I went to Baton Rouge and got to sit in on a small group (okay, this was intimate, and comforting, and beautiful, and I recommend it to every person in the world. Oh to be in a weekly small gathering of people who share about their lives and genuinely care about eachother). I love the women at The Red Shoes. Erm. Kevin (the hot air balloon man)'s mother Wendy is the director of The Red Shoes. After small group, I sat and had wonderful conversation with Wendy and a dear friend of hers who is in a similar place in life (despite being thirty some odd years older than me) as I am. And then we all went into the poetry workshop that was very inspiring to me, and helped me to realize that I can teach poetry without a Master's degree, if I find groups of women like those found at The Red Shoes... or simply groups of people who are interested in poetry and would like to have a workshop together. Then Wendy and her dear friend and her husband Mike and I went out to eat at like 10 pm. And it was delicious food. And then Mike and Wendy took me to their house to meet their wonderful dog Spanky, who I also fell in love with. We talked for a while and then I hit the hay. Next day, I went to Mike's grocery store (which has been a grocery store for over a hundred years, and is still the neighborhood gathering spot). I made $18 playing the ukulele out front. Then I just hung out with all the neighbors coming and going, and had one of the best days I've had, except for the day before that, which ties for the blue ribbon of recent and not so recent days. He and I talked about starting a once-a-week restaurant (the grocery store has a full kitchen) and I really wouldn't put it past me to just up and do that either at his store or elsewhere. Although I have a feeling a woman I've met here in Nashville might be a better fit for the store in Baton Rouge than me... And is in an even more ideal situation in life... another story another time.

LISTENING

So Baton Rouge was phenomenal, more time at the Red Shoes that night, spent another night and another late night meal and fabulous conversation with Wendy and Mike... and left early next morning to meet up with Jason who was on the road with his fourth band...(well, with Julie Lee who I've had some awesome time with since then as well) and on the way to Nashville from Baton Rouge. Julie had gone on without him so's he could help me with the driving and show me around Oxford, Mississippi which I think is where my next door neighbor Ryan Garten went to school. I loved Oxford. So much. And then we had a really fun drive together (counted 47 green "JESUS" signs in people's yards, and stopped at a weird Christian thrift store) and went to Julie and Angel's show together that night, which made me cry and miss Aaron somehow. Side note: I have been listening to myself and not burying anything. Which is awesome. Still no clarity, but that's okay. Clarity takes time. As does most healing.

WASHINGTON D.C.

That was last week. Then the next day I drove (with some low power problems) to Washington D.C. and spent a few days with David Yoo from my small group in Berkeley. David and I have such easy conversation. I love that I can talk with him about anything (except bowel movements, apparently, even though he is a doctor). We visited a farm together my first day there, and it was raining and deliciously muddy. And we got some good pictures of the chickens and pigs and such. And then we went to the Cracker Barrel, which I had remembered loving when I was road-tripping with Christina Kindel back in the day. But it was god-awful and I practically hated it. And I had horrible horrible pain and trouble afterwards (which was when I found out the one conversation topic David would rather not talk about).

We went to his huge but seemingly compassionate and loving church the next morning and then we toured around D.C. and I really enjoyed the National Art Gallery. The next day I rested while he worked, and then I made some yummy food which we ate at 8 pm. And then we went over to his aunt and sister's house and I fell in love with them too. And got my back massaged by one of those electric massagers which I thingk practically bruised my back for good.

TDI CLUB AGAIN TO THE RESCUE

I left early the next morning, stopped to visit with a TDI mechanic (recommended by the tdi club) who asked me to try unplugging my mass air flow sensor to see if I have more power that way (which I do!). I gotta remember to give him some good words on the tdiclub site. And the drive was beautiful and fast and I really love driving by myself. I can't remember what all has happened since then... except I got to hang out with Julie Lee and some of my other favorite Nashville people. I love Nashville.

FARM TO CHEF, LUTA, AND HENRY COUNTY KENTUCKY

Oh and then this last Saturday I got to work at my favorite Farmer's Market in Nashville. And then the next day I came here, which is Louisville Kentucky. And I got to visit a farm with Luta yesterday and tour a bit around Henry County (where Wendell Berry lives, I met his daughter at her farm and one of his friends at the museum; and read some more of his poetry and cried--read the mad farmer's manifesto please) Kentucky. And today I get to cook for her parents on their farm in Shelbyville and I am SO excited. All in all, so beautiful. And also so much learning along the way. Mostly about trust, healing, and unconditional love.

Tomorrow I start work on a farm near Nashville and next week I will be meeting with a family from San Francisco who needs babysitting. So I will have enough money to get back home.

Remind me to tell you about the YWAM-ers... and the other things that have slipped my mind at the moment.

Remembory

Oh. Being at Bethany and Kent's house today reminded me of one of my first experiences in Colfax, Washington. It was fall, and I had taken an extended vacation to help out with honey in Idaho and spend more time with family in Washington.

Bethany had gotten some honeycrisp apples from a local grower in the Palouse somewhere, and they were gorgeous. Plus she said they were the best pie apples and even tart eating apples she'd ever had.

I gotta say they would probably give Bert's pink pearl orchard in Boonville a run for its, er, pie.

Too sunny for indoorness, we rinsed off the apples with the hose and sat in the driveway of Bethany and Kent's adorable rental farmhouse. I remember the tiny pieces of brown dry grass sticking to the apples in the heat.

There were never such devoted... man, oh man, there is something so sweet about spending time working side by side with my amazing sisters. If there is a heaven, I could imagine whole days of peeling apples together and laughing.

Probably we didn't have a compost set up back then. Applecore!

Jenell's smile tells it all.

We are so happy to be in the sunshine, working and talking together.

So some of the apples had little bits of peel still stuck on them. I ended up being grateful that we each did this a tad. The apple pie was so much more authentic when you once in a while ran into some peel, or a seed.

Bethany double checked the internet site to make sure we were canning properly, cleanly.

Two boxes of apples yielded one batch of pie filling.

They looked like chunks of gold when they came out. Y'all wanna stop on by for a slice o pie?